When I was 20 years old, my boyfriend died. These days, almost four years later, I think about him still. But I wouldn't ever tell my mom how much I think about him.

When I was 20 years old, I was sure that it was the highest form of love. That we were in love, and that we would have done anything for each other. No matter what. But I couldn't tell my mother, or anyone else, straight forward that now I question everything. Not that I didn't ever love him. I did love him. But with time I can't get any legit perspective.

My roommate got dumped tonight. And she kept telling me that I didn't understand because I've been in significant relationships. All I could do was wonder if it were actually true. What makes a relationship significant? I hate having to struggle with that. I know what his family and my friends would say. That it was love, and we were the right ones for each other. That can't be true. Because if he was the right one for me he would still be here. I wouldn't ever have to miss him, unless we spent a night apart. I thought we'd be married. I thought that he'd be in law school and that i'd be teaching, and that we'd be happy. I never thought I'd have to wonder if what I thought when I was twenty years old was true.

And here I go, being an emo-Debbie Downer after celebrating my roommate's birthday.

Kyle was right when he said I have intimacy issues. I know myself now, and I know he's right. Although maybe it's been perpetuated by a few people since then.

So Death,  once again, you have the upper hand. I'll never know the answer. Was it love or wasn't it? I cared, and I still cry, and I still feel an emptiness inside, so I'll take that for what I can.  I think, with a little perspective, and trying to take the rose-tinted glasses off, that I would have been happy with him every day. Every day. Even with bumps in the road. Until at least today, July 14, 2010. We both would have changed a lot. But I think I would have been happy.

And I'd never tell my mother that.

Breaking Chains

In a world with moms on Facebook and Gmail, there is no safe place on the Internet. None. The world is no longer the safe place that it was even three years ago. No, now Mom doesn't have to spending her time wondering if you are out boozing it up on the weekends; Facebook now tells her where you are. And every mother's dream has finally come true. The GPS in your phone will now tell her where you are at all times....Give or take a 6 block radius. The accuracy is not the point. SHE KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE AT. ALL. TIMES.

I  was seriously strapped for cash last Mother's Day. I had just enough cash to send my mom a Mother's Day card, and that was it. I couldn't afford to be shown up by my older brother. He always gets Mom great gifts, mainly because he is 7 years older than me, has a real job, and likes to impress people, which is great the years that I feel like riding on the coattails of his success. But I was not to be out done. Not this year.

"Happy Mother's Day!" I called to say. Mom and I made small talk. And finally it was time for The Gift. t seemed easy enough, but little did I know that my social life would be forever changed.  I could feel her roll her eyes over the phone when I told her that her gift was my permission to open an account on Facebook. I figured this was a sign of my love for her, since in the past I had been very adamant that "The day my mother gets Facebook is the day I delete mine."

She may have rolled her eyes, but it wasn't too long before she was a part of the stalking network. It wasn't like  she really needed my blessing to stalk my sister and me. Mom had been stalking us on the Internet for years. YEARS. Unbeknownst to me, she read my blog from high school all the way to college. I found my sister and my myspace pages bookmarked on her computer, even though she couldn't see anything but our pictures. The lady's a pro. What was I thinking giving her easy access to my social life?!

Everything has changed. I have to edit my statuses, and monitor the inappropriateness of my wall. Isn't that what Facebook is for?! Random play and inappropriateness?

My friends, it is time to overthrow the chains of courtesy and decency.